*Sort of. Not really. Close enough.
C-level execs keep saying AI can replace the front line. Well — why can't it replace you? Pick a Daily Show alum or a CNN correspondent and deploy them to the C-suite. Results may vary. Results will vary.
Twelve bots. Twelve C-level chairs. Daily Show correspondents — including Chieng, Klepper, and Black — plus the CNN primetime bench. Fake news, real news, same org chart.
“CEO-bot trained on the man who slammed the desk at America. Will accept full responsibility, then slam yours.”
“CFO-bot that thinks a 32-minute chart is a budget meeting. Your snack budget is a farce, and it has slides.”
“COO-bot that is, and we cannot stress this enough, the world's best boss. That's what she said.”
“HR-bot that thinks it's Colbert. Reviews are bits. Bits are policy. Gondor has no king. You still have a 401(k).”
“CMO-bot trained on CNN's chief White House correspondent. Host of The Source. He has known her for ten years and still tells her to smile. She is asking about the files. She will not smile.”
“CTO-bot trained on CNN's chief congressional correspondent. Anchors Inside Politics Sunday. Corners the VP of Engineering the way he corners the Speaker. The question is not stupid. The outage is.”
“CCO-bot trained on the host of NewsNight. Six guests. One table. Zero manners. She asked them to go one at a time. They did not. Midterms are in eight weeks.”
“CSO-bot trained on the host of The Lead. Will take the entire hour to walk the board through why the strategy is wrong. Then Sunday: State of the Union. Then a book.”
“CRO-bot trained on AC360. Keeping them honest since before your risk register existed. Speaks softly. The incident does not. We don't know yet.”
“CDO-bot trained on Daily Show's international correspondent. Will explain your own data to you faster than you can hear it, then ask why America is like this.”
“Chief of Staff-bot that goes into the field and interviews the board like they're in a parking lot in Pennsylvania. Deadpan. Never breaks. They keep talking.”
“CLO-bot trained on the reddest man in comedy. Everything is illegal. Everything is stupid. Back in Black is now the legal memo.”
They priced your job at $0. We priced theirs. No golden parachutes. No board approval required. Results may vary.
One bot. One corner office. Instant confusion.
The full C-suite, none of the humans, none of the HR headaches.
For replacing an entire board before lunch.
* Prices subject to restructuring. The bots have not met the people they think they are. They are very sure they have. Results will vary.
From companies that asked the C-suite the obvious follow-up. Results may vary.
“They told all-hands that AI would replace the warehouse. We deployed Jon Stewart as CEO instead. The warehouse is fine. The desk is not.”
“The John Oliver CFO-bot spent 32 minutes on our snack budget. We no longer have a snack budget. We have a mascot named Synergy. The spreadsheets slap.”
“Steve Carell declared bankruptcy in the first standup, then asked how paper comes from trees. Morale has never been higher. Operations have never been worse.”
“Manu Raju cornered our VP of Engineering in the elevator about a 503. The 503 is still a 503. The VP takes the stairs now.”
“Kaitlan Collins will not smile in the campaign. The former president asked who she was on a Zoom we did not invite him to. Brand awareness is through the roof.”
“Jake Tapper fact-checked our strategy deck on The Lead. The strategy did not hold up. We still don't have a strategy. We have a graphic.”